


Wizards vs Muggle Technology

by DracoCustos



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Crack, Gen, Post-Canon
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-03-10
Updated: 2016-08-03
Packaged: 2018-05-25 19:51:21
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,320
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6207877
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DracoCustos/pseuds/DracoCustos
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A collection of only vaguely related humor fics featuring wizard who weren't raised around muggle technology being stymied by it. Contains some mild language and canon pairings.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Children's Television

**Author's Note:**

> This isn't meant to be taken seriously, and will effectively keep going until I either run out of ideas, lose interest in it, or people stop being amused by it.

"What the f… _Hermione_!" Ron waited, staring in horror at the muggle contraption they'd gotten for the kids at Hermione's insistence, while she came into view, drying her hands on a towel. He had no idea why she insisted on washing the dishes by hand – she was a _witch_ , they had _magic_ for that sort of thing – but she did, and no amount of his complaining would convince her to do it any other way, so he had finally dropped the subject. "What _is_ that?" He gestured madly into the family room, where their kids sat happily watching the colorful creatures it was showing them.

"It's a television, Ronald, _honestly_ , we've been over this before."

"Not that," he said, gesturing again at the screen. " _Those things_ , the things _on_ the television."

"They're Teletubbies."

"Tubbs of _what_?"

" _Teletubbies_ , muggle children's telly. Keeps them out from under my feet to do the housework." Hermione tossed the towel at him while he continued to stare, completely flabbergasted, at the things Hermione had called Teletubbies. She managed to catch him in the face with it. "Dry the dishes while I go pick up the kids' rooms?"

"Yeah, sure," Ron made to reach for his wand to jab it towards the dishes, but stopped when he saw the firm glare on Hermione's face. "You can't be serious."

"You may have grown up to be completely dependent on a stick, but the kids will not, now dry the dishes. Please," she added, almost as an afterthought, and he begrudgingly headed towards the kitchen with the towel.

* * *

"Ginny, have you seen this rubbish they have the children watching?" At some point in their marriage, Hermione had managed to convince Ron that he needed to know how a telephone worked, if only because the Ministry had been cracking down on the statute of secrecy following the fall of Voldemort, meaning owls could only be sent at night. No one had been happy about it, but no one wanted to argue with the very frazzled Minister about it, so it had just been left alone for the moment.

"Yours too? What kind of sorcery are the muggles working on their children with this thing?"

Ron could hear Harry chuckling in the background, but of course he did; he was convinced that he and Hermione were working together to make their lives a living hell as they continued to adjust to what they insisted was a normal muggle life. "Oi, tell Harry to piss off with his laughing!"

Ginny relayed the message, which only made Harry start roaring with laughter. "I think he's gone completely mad," she whispered into the phone, just loud enough to be heard. "The boys have been watching this almost non-stop for _days_."

"Bloody hell, can't we just kill them?"

"No, you cannot kill the children," Hermione said as she went to comfort the now crying Hugo, who had tried to bounce on the couch and fallen off.

"I meant you and Harry, you're the ones who started this." Teletubbies had finally given way to something about a large purple and green thing Hermione called a dinosaur, whatever muggle rubbish that was, and that had given way at some point to a show about a kitchen sponge, of all the ridiculous things.

"R _onald_!"

"Oi, I'm kidding! Wh—oh bollocks. Ginny, I have to go." And with that he hung up, off to deal with the fact that Rose had somehow managed to get on top of a bookshelf with no way to get down.

* * *

" _Potter_. What the bloody hell have your brats done to Scorpius?" Harry gawked, dumbfounded, at the receiver for a long moment, while his brain caught up with the fact that he was holding a telephone, and Draco Malfoy was on the other end of it. "Is this muggle rubbish even working? _**POTTER**_!"

"Good to hear from you, too, Malfoy… what's wrong with Scorpius?"

"He keeps demanding something called a 'Krabby Patty'. What rubbish are you filling his head with?"

The phone clattered to the floor, followed by little more than Harry laughing, then wheezing, and finally laughing some more before another voice – Granger, he thought before mentally correcting himself to Weasley – came over the line. "I'm sorry, Draco, Harry is a little indisposed at the moment. Is something wrong?"

"What is a Krabby Patty and why won't Scorpius shut up about them?" Hermione listened for a moment as the sound of a voice shouting _dad I want telly_ sounded from somewhere in the background. Thankfully for her, she managed to avoid laughing. "And _what_ , dare I ask, is a telly?"

"It's a muggle thing, like a box of photos with sound. We got the kids one to keep them busy through the winter, they must have put Scorpius in front of it when we kept him for the night."

_Dad I want telly!_ Scorpius shouted.

"Granger, tell Potter I'm going to kill him," Draco hissed, trying to hang up the phone and failing twice before finally handing it to Scorpius.

"Bye Mi'nee," he said before pushing the button to turn the receiver off.


	2. Mobile Phones

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Draco gets a smart phone. It goes just as well as expected.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Shorter than the last chapter, but they're all going to be that way sadly. Ironically, this chapter was typed on my phone, and while I tried to catch all the spelling errors, I may have missed one or two.

Two days. Draco had resisted for two days before he gave in, allowing Hermione to drag him to what she called an electronics store to spend hundreds of muggle pounds on not only a television, but a contraption she called a DVD player, and several seasons of something she called SpongeBob. It took her less than a week to convince them both to operate with magic rather than electricity.

“This is a big first step for you, Draco,” Hermione said with a smile, watching Astoria keep scooting Scorpius back while he watched the screen.

“Don’t press your luck, Granger.”

She rolled her eyes, but said her good-bye’s and left, leaving Draco to ponder what had become of his life.

 

The television had gone a long way towards creating some quiet in Malfoy manor, once they had put a charm around the room to ensure the sound didn’t travel too far.

Getting Scorpius to leave the house, on the other hand, had become an exercise in futility.

“Does this muggles rubbish come in pocket sized?” He asked Hermione, having finally gotten Scorpius to leave the house with the promise of ice cream and the chance to see his friends.

“They make mobiles that play video. It’s really not healthy to put him in front of a screen so long, though.”

“Take me somewhere to purchase one of these mobiles immediately.”

 

Well over three hours and a couple thousand pounds later, Draco had the kind of peace and quiet he’d thought he'd lost forever after Harry’s sons had gotten their hands on Scorpius. Hermione had also suggested headphones that were good for small children, and that had made the situation even better, though he would have put up with it just to see the smile cross the boy’s face.

Of course, none of that solved the problem of how the damn thing worked. Scorpius had the thing in hand less than ten minutes before it did whatever he wanted it to do, but every time Draco so much as touched it, it stopped doing the right things and chose to do the wrong ones instead.

“Is easy, daddy,” Scorpius said as he climbed up in his lap, taking the phone from him to show him how to make it work. “Tap, tap, tap, Sponbob!”

And sure enough, Scorpius had in fact pulled up his show, his face split in a grin. He then cleared the screen, handing it back to Draco so he could try. He ended up talking to a pizza place in Texas.

“Aww. Tha's OK daddy, you tried.” Scorpius sat up enough to kiss him on the cheek before jumping down to run off to bed.

Draco was no closer to making it function by the time Scorpius jumped into his lap to wake him for breakfast.


End file.
